let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
#parenting
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Good dog. ❤️
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…