I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.