The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.