I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
We avoided this particular disaster
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…