the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I’m already scared
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].