Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Guilty! 🤪
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME