Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.