The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
You Might Also Like
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Dishonest mechanic?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me My dog
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.