Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
This will never not be funny 😭
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched