I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
You Might Also Like
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues