When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.