explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
You Might Also Like
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Danger is very dangerous
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.