To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?