I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.