To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
You Might Also Like
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The French cow says MEUX…
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.