My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT