Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.