every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
This is my favorite one of these!
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.