Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me too, bag. Me too….
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
going to the ER y’all need anything
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.