Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
You Might Also Like
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?