this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.