The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.