Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
You Might Also Like
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.