Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
thank god