“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
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[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle