I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
How funny!
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment