looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas