*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’