[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
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Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
A small tragedy.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
no their not
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.