Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
me after drinking all the wine:
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t