No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out