Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
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Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie