I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Well, that didn’t work.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.