I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad