I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
this is the best interaction on twitter
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit