scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Who chose this font
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
lol
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]