I am all good here, ππ
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldnβt really get it to light
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
βοΈ: Wait not like this
[at fire-station]
“Iβm putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for βthirstyβ DMβs
βMake it look like you really want it!β he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. Iβm now blocked!
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: β¦ignore that.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. thatβs a monkeyβs name.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didnβt work because the instructions were missing.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mousesβ’CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Miceβ’ then whatever
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.