Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.