Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 馃槒
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I don鈥檛 think this app is working properly, I鈥檓 like barely getting any matches.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from M眉nchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can鈥檛 be too careful.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
In 10 years they鈥檒l make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they鈥檒l shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!