She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
You Might Also Like
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh