In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do