The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I need better friends
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.