Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The point of your 20s
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are