Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Birds & Planes.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
But I really needed water water water
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.