The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Sooo many times…..
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”