My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.