Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
CRYING
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl