My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
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Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.