Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard