I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?